So I haven't posted a blog in a long time. I've really wanted to but I don't know. I just haven't made the effort really. I think I just still don't get the full reasoning behind it, but whatever.
As I'm typing write now I find myself editing what I'm typing before I even type it. As if I need to impress someone or entertain them with a slightly slanted version of myself. I mean, this is my blog, it should sound like me, have my essence and all that jazz ya know. Yet for some strange reason I feel the need to make it all proper. I think part of this comes from one of the relationships in my life.
Let me explain.
See, there is the girl that I've known for a while named Sheliea. I met her about a year and a half ago and I have to say, she is the single most interesting and impressive individual I have met thus far. Every time I talk to her it's like a breath of fresh air. She amazes me with everything she does. Sometimes though I'm overwhelmed by it all. I find my self trying to overcompensate or perfect my actions in fear that I won't stack up to her.
I have to admit I am deeply envious of her writing ability. Every time I read one of her blogs it seems as if it's organized in a care free way. Like every sentence just pours out of her with almost no amount of effort. This girl is a born writer, I swear she shares a bloodline with Poe or Harper Lee. It's almost intimidating how gifted she is. I really look at her as inspiration for writing a lot of times.
Sheliea has taught me so much. Before her I had only experienced the Southern mentality, there were no gray areas, only white and black. I had never had anyone to challenge my ideas or question my feelings. She really likes to pick my brain and get me to think. I'm really glad I met her, especially at the time I did. I was at a major turning point in my life and I think it weren't for her I may have become a different person.
Plus, on top of all of that, Sheliea is the one person in my life I feel I can completely relate to on just about any level. I know I can trust her, not because of any amazingly dramatic time that we shared or anything cliche like that. I just feel like we click. She knows what I'm thinking to the point that it's scary sometimes.
Now, as I read over what I've written so far, it all seems a bit much, almost sappy. This is kinda out of my character but I'm okay with it. I'm being honest. I'm really thankful for Sheliea. She's an amazing person and I think she doesn't get the praise she deserves. I know she's probably either laughing her butt off at me or totally flattered. Either way, I'm glad I could get something out of her.
Quick note before I finish:
About two weeks ago I ordered a copy of The Holy Qur'an. It just came like five minutes ago. I am really excited to begin reading it. A lot of my friends were kinda taken aback by my sudden interest in the subject of Islam, one even thinks I'm going to convert. It's really nothing like that. I just want a deeper understanding of Islam. I want to be able to give it my full respect and understand it just as I would want for my beliefs. I personally don't believe it's right to float through life being uninformed on such an important subject. Especially with all the religious tension in the U.S. today.
I plan to begin reading The Holy Qur'an soon. Probably after I get a little deeper into my Bible as I've just recently began reading it. I'm sure I'll have a lot to write about and discuss in the future so I will try to keep everyone up to date.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
My weekend was awesome. Saturday I got a message from Parkinson about how it had been way too long since we had hung out last and that he was sorry about it. This blew me away, I wasn't expecting it at all. See, a lot of stuff happened towards the end of the summer between our little 'group' we used to hang out in. Me and Park were best friends basically but our friendship was kinda destroyed for a while. I would go into detail about it but I don't want to bring up any past problems. It's awesome that we are cool friends again but his parents don't want us to hang out. I have to respect their wishes although I don't agree with them. Hopefully it will all blow over soon, I just wish there was a way for me to help speed up the process.
Sunday I went to bible study with Derek and Burnham. It was really interesting as usual. I feel so distant from God and when I go to church I feel so uncomfortable but, when I am at bible study it's the total opposite. I think it's because I get to interpret God's word the way I understand it instead of someone telling me what it says. I believe that God wants people to have a private relationship with him so he can guide you without the interference of others. I believe that God helps you through life with the information you get from The Bible, not what some guy yelling at a crowd from a stage tells you. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with the statements I've made here but thats what I feel is true. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? What you feel and what your personal beliefs are in God.
Park came to small group too. At first it was awkward, but by the end of the night it was like we had never been apart. I even rode home with him. The only problem with that was Derek and Burnham thought it would be a good idea to tell Park's parents. I don't quite understand their reasoning behind that decision but I'm not gonna let it bother me.
"Communicate God's word as if we are running out of time."
This was the passage Clay, the group leader, gave us. He wants us to put it to use and keep track of it. He wants us to actively use this idea in our lives. To me we are running out of time. I mean when you think about it, every second that passes is a moment closer the end. Whether it's The Rapture, or your death. You can't escape the end and your final judgment by God. I guess what I am trying to say is that whe are running out of time. People, including myself, need to wake up and realize this fact. You can't stop time until you're ready for the end. It's out of your hands.
One more thing before I wrap this up... I just got a card in the mail notifying me that I signed up for selective service. What a load of crap. I am totally against war for any reason. Who am I to go to another country and blow someone's head off just because my Government doesn't agree with his Government? It's a total sham. Taking lives does not solve anything.
Sunday I went to bible study with Derek and Burnham. It was really interesting as usual. I feel so distant from God and when I go to church I feel so uncomfortable but, when I am at bible study it's the total opposite. I think it's because I get to interpret God's word the way I understand it instead of someone telling me what it says. I believe that God wants people to have a private relationship with him so he can guide you without the interference of others. I believe that God helps you through life with the information you get from The Bible, not what some guy yelling at a crowd from a stage tells you. I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with the statements I've made here but thats what I feel is true. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? What you feel and what your personal beliefs are in God.
Park came to small group too. At first it was awkward, but by the end of the night it was like we had never been apart. I even rode home with him. The only problem with that was Derek and Burnham thought it would be a good idea to tell Park's parents. I don't quite understand their reasoning behind that decision but I'm not gonna let it bother me.
"Communicate God's word as if we are running out of time."
This was the passage Clay, the group leader, gave us. He wants us to put it to use and keep track of it. He wants us to actively use this idea in our lives. To me we are running out of time. I mean when you think about it, every second that passes is a moment closer the end. Whether it's The Rapture, or your death. You can't escape the end and your final judgment by God. I guess what I am trying to say is that whe are running out of time. People, including myself, need to wake up and realize this fact. You can't stop time until you're ready for the end. It's out of your hands.
One more thing before I wrap this up... I just got a card in the mail notifying me that I signed up for selective service. What a load of crap. I am totally against war for any reason. Who am I to go to another country and blow someone's head off just because my Government doesn't agree with his Government? It's a total sham. Taking lives does not solve anything.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
I planned on writting alot sooner but as usual life has thrown me another curveball. I can honestly say I have expirenced the single most terrifying moment of my life so far. It was Saturday afternoon and I was hanging out at home as usual. I was getting ready to go out with my cousin when my dad collapsed and start yelling for help. I ran into the living room and saw him lying on the couch shaking, gasping for air, and turning white. He looked so helpless lying there reaching out for help.
I grabbed some asprin off the counter and called 911. As I sat beside my dad I went through every emotion I had felt throughout my life so far. Anger, fear, panic, pain, hope, and even joy, all within minutes. I was angry because out of all the people in the world, murderers, rapist, pedophiles, all the evil people on death row, that my dad was the one lying there in pain. One of the sweetest most caring people in the world, and in my opinon the pure essence of what it means to be a father and he was having to suffere like this, it wasn't fair.
I tried to calm my dad down but soon found myself begining to panic. I was afraid. I wasn't afraid that he may die or that something was wrong with him I was afraid, of seeing him so helpless. My whole life my dad had been a rock, not just for me but for my whole family. No matter what the situation or time of day he was there. I had never saw him in a moment of weakness. For the first time ever I had to be the rock for him, his life depended on me.
I looked into his eyes and I saw fear, real fear. Not failing a class fear or going bald fear. I saw pure fear in my father. He was afraid of dying. He was afraid of what was on the other side. I didn't know what to do so I turned to the one thing that I feared more than death its self, God. I ask my dad if he wanted to get saved. It was the last thing I could do for him. In the end it was in God's hands, not mine. While my dad stated praying I began to ready myself for the worst.
In the last few months I had become alienated from my father, I never knew what to say to him or how to relate with him any more. Despite all of this though every single thing I ever wanted my dad to know began spilling out of my mouth. I told him how much I loved him, I told him how much I was thankful he was my dad. Then he told me the one thing that pierced right through all the panic and fear that had me dazed. He told me how proud of me he was, and that he could havn't ask for a better son. Still as I type all of this my eyes are welling up with tears of joy from hearing that.
As you have probably figured out my dad is ok. He has a blockage in his heart and has to get a stint put in tomorrow. Most people would hate going through all of this but I am thankful for it. It has completly changed my life. In that short span of time I grew up. I was thrown head first into the future I have been terrified of and became a man. just a week ago I was so afraid of leaving childhood. Now, I am glad it's behind me. I know it's all gonna be ok. I know that I am on the right path and no matter what, I am doing ok. I know I could look fear straight in the eyes and come out even better than before.
I grabbed some asprin off the counter and called 911. As I sat beside my dad I went through every emotion I had felt throughout my life so far. Anger, fear, panic, pain, hope, and even joy, all within minutes. I was angry because out of all the people in the world, murderers, rapist, pedophiles, all the evil people on death row, that my dad was the one lying there in pain. One of the sweetest most caring people in the world, and in my opinon the pure essence of what it means to be a father and he was having to suffere like this, it wasn't fair.
I tried to calm my dad down but soon found myself begining to panic. I was afraid. I wasn't afraid that he may die or that something was wrong with him I was afraid, of seeing him so helpless. My whole life my dad had been a rock, not just for me but for my whole family. No matter what the situation or time of day he was there. I had never saw him in a moment of weakness. For the first time ever I had to be the rock for him, his life depended on me.
I looked into his eyes and I saw fear, real fear. Not failing a class fear or going bald fear. I saw pure fear in my father. He was afraid of dying. He was afraid of what was on the other side. I didn't know what to do so I turned to the one thing that I feared more than death its self, God. I ask my dad if he wanted to get saved. It was the last thing I could do for him. In the end it was in God's hands, not mine. While my dad stated praying I began to ready myself for the worst.
In the last few months I had become alienated from my father, I never knew what to say to him or how to relate with him any more. Despite all of this though every single thing I ever wanted my dad to know began spilling out of my mouth. I told him how much I loved him, I told him how much I was thankful he was my dad. Then he told me the one thing that pierced right through all the panic and fear that had me dazed. He told me how proud of me he was, and that he could havn't ask for a better son. Still as I type all of this my eyes are welling up with tears of joy from hearing that.
As you have probably figured out my dad is ok. He has a blockage in his heart and has to get a stint put in tomorrow. Most people would hate going through all of this but I am thankful for it. It has completly changed my life. In that short span of time I grew up. I was thrown head first into the future I have been terrified of and became a man. just a week ago I was so afraid of leaving childhood. Now, I am glad it's behind me. I know it's all gonna be ok. I know that I am on the right path and no matter what, I am doing ok. I know I could look fear straight in the eyes and come out even better than before.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Hey everyone, this is my first post on my blog. I am pretty new to this although I have blogged on myspace a little. I decided to start blogging a while ago but I never got around to it, plus I really never understood the need for it.
I find myself at a loss for words despite the fact I have a million things on my mind. I think my problem is I'm 17 years old and I am at that stage where everything is changing so much and so fast my mind can't keep up. I barley get my mind made up before the circumstances change.
I guess since this is my first post I will put some info about myself:
~PEACE~
I find myself at a loss for words despite the fact I have a million things on my mind. I think my problem is I'm 17 years old and I am at that stage where everything is changing so much and so fast my mind can't keep up. I barley get my mind made up before the circumstances change.
I guess since this is my first post I will put some info about myself:
- Name: Chaz
- Age:17
- DOB: November 9th
- Political Standing: independent
- Religious Affiliation: Southern Baptist
~PEACE~
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